If you have ADHD, you might find yourself looking for some form of external approval before acting on your own needs or desires—even when those actions are entirely reasonable.
It could be giving yourself permission to take a break after hours of working, allowing yourself to enjoy a hobby, or simply acknowledging that you need a snack or a drink of water.
Yet, we hesitate, as if we need a signed note from someone else before we can tend to our own well-being.
This phenomenon is deeply rooted in how ADHD affects our self-perception and sense of worthiness. We often feel that we must justify even our most basic needs and self-care routines, as though our comfort and fulfillment are privileges that must be earned rather than inherent rights.
This belief can stem from a lifetime of feeling "different" or "less than" due to difficulties with focus, organization, or emotion regulation. Over time, many of us internalize messages that we must work harder, achieve more, and fit into certain molds before we have "earned" the right to rest, express ourselves, or attend to our needs.
Oddly, this internalized perfectionism and self-criticism contrasts sharply with our tendency to be kind, forgiving, and empathetic toward others. We might readily reassure a friend that it’s okay to take time off or feel upset after a setback, yet when it comes to ourselves, we demand an impossible standard of productivity, resilience, and emotional control.
Why We Feel the Need for Permission
Conditioning Through Criticism: Many adults with ADHD grew up hearing phrases like, “Stop being lazy,” “Why can’t you just focus?” or “If you tried harder, you’d get it.” These messages can plant the seed that rest, help, or emotional expression are not our rights, but something we must earn by being “good enough.” Over time, this creates a mental loop: We believe that we must push through discomfort to prove we’re worthy, and only then, maybe, we can rest.
Fear of Judgment and Rejection: ADHD is often accompanied by sensitivity to rejection or fear of disappointing others. The idea of putting our needs first can feel risky—what if people see it as selfish or unproductive? Seeking external permission feels safer. If someone else says it’s okay, then maybe we won’t feel guilty or fear rejection for doing the thing that’s best for us.
Trouble Trusting Self-Assessment: ADHD can lead to challenges with self-awareness. It’s not always easy to gauge if we’ve done “enough” to justify a break or if our feelings are “reasonable” or “overblown.” Without trust in our own judgment, we look to others—or some imaginary authority—for approval. This is a protective mechanism: if we get an external sign that it’s okay, we feel more secure in taking care of ourselves.
Perfectionism and Productivity Culture: We live in a society that heavily values productivity and perfection. This cultural backdrop can intensify the pressure on those with ADHD. We may struggle just to meet these societal standards on a good day, so giving ourselves permission to slow down or express feelings can feel like we’re falling behind. The idea that you can be kind to yourself without losing your footing feels foreign and uncertain.
Identifying Where You Need Permission
If you’re ready to break free from this cycle and stop waiting for external validation to meet your needs, start by examining where you feel stuck:
Emotional Check-In: Ask yourself, “Where do I feel stuck, overwhelmed, or like I’m waiting for approval?” Reflect on areas in your life—work, relationships, personal goals—where you consistently delay self-care or self-expression because you’re waiting for some green light that never comes.
Desire vs. Fear: Consider what you wish someone else would say is okay to do. Maybe it’s taking a day off from cleaning the house, signing up for a class you’re excited about, or acknowledging that you’re hurt by a friend’s words. Identifying these desires can show you where you need to give yourself permission.
Compassion Inventory: Look for areas that could benefit from more self-compassion. If you would encourage a friend to rest, express their feelings, or lower their impossible standards, why not grant yourself that same kindness?
If you're ready to stop feeling like you're not allowed to do things, let's create some permission slips for you!
Creating Your Own Permission Slips
A powerful tool for reclaiming your autonomy is to write personal permission slips. These are written affirmations that you have the right to prioritize your needs, feelings, and boundaries:
How to Do It:
Fill in the blanks for yourself:
I have permission to (DO THE THING), even if (SITUATION THAT’S STALLING ME).
These prompts validate your actions and feelings, acknowledging that you don’t need anyone else’s say-so to care for yourself. They help dismantle the internal narrative that you must wait for someone else to grant you worthiness or approval.
Examples:
I have permission to take a break, even if my to-do list isn’t finished.
I have permission to embrace my quirks, even if others don’t understand.
I have permission to move at my own pace, even if others seem to be moving faster.
I have permission to ask for help when I need it, even if I fear judgment or burdening others.
I have permission to be loved and accepted, even if I’m not 100% perfect.
By writing these statements, you’re actively reframing your perspective. You’re telling yourself that you are allowed to prioritize your well-being and show yourself grace, just as you would for someone you love.
Putting Your Permission Slips into Practice
Place Them Where You’ll See Them: Keep these slips somewhere visible—on your desk, the fridge, or as a reminder on your phone. Seeing them regularly helps reinforce the message that you do not need to meet impossible standards before deserving kindness or rest.
Check In with Yourself Regularly: When you feel the familiar urge to seek external approval or push yourself beyond your limits, pause and revisit a permission slip. It can remind you that acting in your best interest isn’t selfish or lazy—it’s a necessary part of living well with ADHD.
Celebrate Small Wins: When you allow yourself to take a break, express a feeling, or slow down on a project without seeking external validation, acknowledge it as a victory. Over time, these small wins build self-trust and resilience, making it easier to grant yourself grace in the future.
Embracing Self-Authorization
Giving yourself permission might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve spent years believing you must earn rest, feelings, or personal freedom. But stepping into a self-authorized life is an act of self-respect and self-care. As you grow more comfortable granting yourself these permissions, you’ll begin to trust your own judgment, embrace your needs, and reduce the shame and anxiety that often accompany ADHD.
Remember, you deserve compassion, flexibility, and understanding—without needing anyone else’s blessing. By creating and using your own permission slips, you start to reclaim the autonomy you may have unconsciously handed over to others. In doing so, you take an essential step toward living a more authentic, balanced, and self-affirming life with ADHD.
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Take it Easy on Yourself,
Coach Brooke
